Ataru: Crossover


Note: This is based on the manga version of UY, but I've tried to 
make it also compatible with the anime.

Prologue

	A cryptic man had come up to Ataru with a mysterious 
artifact that was supposed to solve all his problems.  The most 
famous lecher in Tomobiki, perhaps even all of Japan, listened to 
the old guy's speech with only half an ear.  This wasn't the first 
time something like this had happened to him and they would often 
backfire in disastrous and painful ways.  He was still willing to 
give it a shot though, if it would end his personal nightmare.
	"I have a question," Ataru finally broke through the old 
man's yammering.  His face and voice were deadly serious.  He had 
the look of a kamikaze pilot just before he got in his fighter, 
knowing that he will never return.
	"What is it?"
	"Will there be babes in these other worlds you're talking 
about?"
	The old man, however, had studied his audience well and 
had anticipated this question.
	"Oh, yes, certainly.  As I've been trying to explain, none of 
us are real.  We are anime characters, created by the imaginations 
of humans, so the women tend to be beautiful.  For some reason, 
this doesn't hold true for the men.  But then, who cares what the 
men look like?  The worlds are already full of too many boys 
anyway."
	Ataru shivered as the sudden image of Cherry flashed 
through his mind.  This old man resembled that old monk a little 
too much for his liking.
	"And it'll get me away from Lum?"  Deep down, in a place 
that he rarely looked, Ataru knew that he cared for Lum and 
wouldn't want to be separated from her forever.  That didn't mean 
that he didn't want an extended vacation from her though.
	The old guy nodded.  "The only way to travel between 
different anime worlds is to have an Anime Guide and I posses the 
only two in existence."
	Ataru looked over the book that the old man had given him.  
It had a plain, though glossy, black cover, with 'Anime Guide' 
printed on it in red kanji.  Flipping through it at random, he saw 
different group photos with descriptions of these various anime 
worlds.  There were babes in every picture!  It didn't matter which 
world he chose, he couldn't lose!  Finally, his dreams of a harem 
could come true!
	In his excitement, he missed the fact that some of the pages 
had been carefully torn out.
	The old man's voice interrupted Ataru's sudden cackling.  
"You must remember that when you use this Guide, you will 
replace one of the characters from the anime world in which you 
end up, while that character will take your place in this world.  If 
you jump again, the first character you replaced will go back to his 
old role, while the second character will come here.  Unlike you, 
however, they will not think anything has changed.  Their 
memories will be altered to correspond to the world in which they 
currently reside.
	"Another thing to note that after you jump, there will be a 
delay before you'll be able to use the Guide again.  The delay is 
different in each world so there's no way to tell when the Guide 
will be usable.  You must simply keep trying until it works."
	"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time old man,"  Ataru 
said, having just ignored all that the guy was blabbering about.  
Instead, he was concentrating on the photos of some of the lovely 
ladies that he'd soon be visiting.  He was particularly fond of the 
photo that showed nothing but girls wearing revealing track outfits.  
To be the only guy in a world of girls, that was paradise!
	That was when the teenager heard what was for him the 
most dreadful and horrible sound in the whole universe.  No beast 
from the darkest depths of hell could inspire such fear in him.
	"Darling!"
	Ataru's legs moved faster than his brain.  He was off and 
already hiding in an alley before the word had fully registered, 
shaking with fear and not a little anger.  Couldn't she leave him 
alone for five minutes?  Was that too much to ask?  How could he 
hope to go out girl hunting, with her always showing up and 
scaring away all the chicks?  How could he live his life the way he 
wanted, if she kept messing everything up?  Why couldn't she just 
give him some space?
	Well, it wouldn't happen this time.  Ataru flipped the Guide 
open at random.  It was a series he didn't have time to read about 
yet, but he counted five babes in the photo, one that even put 
Sakura-chan to shame.  Not to mention the red-haired cutie who 
looked to be about his age.  This was the world for him.
	'Now how to use this thing again?  Some kind of magic 
words?  Right, now I remember.'
	Posing dramatically, Ataru struck the page with his finger 
and intoned, "I choose you, Neon Genesis Evangelion!"

***

World NGE, part 1: I have to save the world from aliens again?

	There was a moment of queasiness, much like the time 
Ataru had been forced to undergo one of Sakura's 'exorcisms.'  
Fortunately, and unlike the last time, it passed quickly.
	He took a glance around, finding himself in the middle of a 
very modern, though not futuristic city. It bothered him that there 
was no one around for as far as the eye could see.  It was the 
middle of the day, there should be some people in a city as big as 
this.
	That was when he finally noticed that he was holding a 
phone in one hand that was rattling on about some state of 
emergency and that everyone should go to their shelters.
	'Oh, so that's it,' Ataru thought, 'must be some kind of 
natural disaster, like an earthquake or a tidal wave.'
	"I should probably get to a shelter myself," he mused out 
loud.
	What Ataru held in his other hand changed his mind.  A 
photo and his eyes bugged out when he saw its contents.  It was the 
babe from the book, the one that looked better than Sakura-chan, 
and she was leaning over to expose her . . . Ataru took a moment to 
wipe up his drool as he started to giggle.
	"If she's the one picking me up, I'm not going anywhere!"
	Ataru was hit with a moment of panic when he realized that 
he didn't have the Guide in his hand.  This world looked good so 
far, but then so had Lum.  Luckily, he found it in the duffel bag at 
his feet, along with his clothes (or rather what were now his clothes 
since he'd never seen them before) and something that looked like 
a walkman.  Her decided to pop in a tape and listen to it as he sat 
on the curb and waited for his ride.  Music wasn't really Ataru's 
style, but it was better than silence. He opened the Anime Guide 
and flipped to the entry on the world he had found himself in.  
Unfortunately for him, he spent much more time staring at the 
picture and daydreaming of a harem than reading.
	So occupied, Ataru failed to hear what sounded like 
someone banging on a huge drum grow progressively closer.  He 
did notice when the ground shook with a tremor, but he just sat 
back down after it was over.  It was an earthquake, just like he 
thought.  He hoped that his ride would get there soon.
	Ataru stood up to look for a sign of anybody.  He didn't 
expect to see a girl a few years younger than himself standing in 
the middle of the street wearing a school-girl uniform.  She had 
short blue hair which was odd for a human, but no horns, though 
that didn't mean she wasn't an oni.  Lum had tricked him by hiding 
her horns before.  Still, she was cute.  Ataru fished around for his 
notebook, in order to take down her name, phone number and a list 
of hobbies, but when he looked back up she was gone.
	'Where the heck did she go too?  Not even Lum could have 
flown away that fast.'
	His thoughts were interrupted when a blue car tore down 
the street, only to stop right in front of him.
	"Hi there," said the purple-haired woman who was 
currently leaning out of the car, which made her that much easier to 
identify for Ataru as the one in the photo.  "Am I real late?"
	"No, you're right on time!" the lecher declared as he dove 
for the car and a quick feel.  Unfortunately for him, Misato 
stomped down on the accelerator and made an Ataru-shaped 
imprint in the back of the seat.
	"Why are you driving so fast?" he managed to ask as soon 
as he had pried himself out.  This woman was more of a lead foot 
than Benten.
	"You mean that you didn't see it?" Misato shouted.  "The 
Angel was right behind us!"
	'Angel?  Could it be another babe?'
	Ataru slowly turned around and then turned a little green.  
Definitely not a babe.  It was some kind of monster that was 
walking through the city, trashing everything in sight.  It was like 
Oyuki-chan's pet abominable snowman, only worse.
	"Drive faster!"

	Misato had stopped the car so they could view the angel 
from a distance with binoculars.  Now that his initial moment of 
panic was over, Ataru had wanted a look at this thing.  He knew 
that he'd be the one it would come after soon since any trouble in 
an area was always drawn to him like a magnet.
	'Must be my sparkling personality,' he thought.
	The 'Angel' thing was definitely some sort of monster.  It 
was black, huge, and might have been even uglier than Cherry.  It 
also had some energy beam that it threw around like Lum with her 
lightning bolts.
	Misato grabbed the binoculars away from him and studied 
the angel in the distance.  Ataru used this opportunity to study 
Misato's rather impressive female form.
	'But then why look, when one can touch?'  He tried to hold 
back his chuckle as he reached forward to . . .
	"They're going to use an N2 mine!" Misato shouted, 
distracting Ataru from his lechery. "Get down!"
	The hentai had gotten his wish, having his body pressed 
against Misato's, but with the car constantly flipping around, he 
was too scared, nauseous, and dizzy to enjoy it.
	Misato sighed in relief when she realized that the explosion 
was over and she was still in one piece.
	'Wait a minute, something seems a little off.'  That was 
when she noticed that Ataru was clinging to her like a second skin 
and muttering, "Is it over yet?  Is it?"
	She reacted as most anime women did when finding 
themselves in this situation.  "Hentai!" she yelled, and proceeded to 
clobber him.  Ataru was left on the ground in pain, but not very 
surprised.

	Misato and Ataru had been wandering around the Geofront 
for a while before Ritsuko had finally found them.  Ataru decided 
he liked a woman who wore a skin-tight bathing suit to work.

	"Argh!  It's got a horn!  Oni!"
	Ataru hid behind Misato in fear, clutching at her rear-end 
almost on instinct.
	"Hentai!"  Misato yelled and put some of her self-defenses 
classes to work on Ataru.
	The lecher wondered why he always met violent women 
wherever he went, never noticing that most of them weren't violent 
until he came around.
	"Ahem," said Ritsuko, "as I was going to explain, this is the 
synthetic lifeform Evangelion, Unit-01."
	Ataru was back on his feet and examining the strange thing 
carefully.  "So what you're trying to say is that this is one of those 
giant robots like in some anime, right?"
	"That is correct." A voice rang out from somewhere above, 
lacking all emotion, save arrogance.
	Ataru looked up at the guy and said, "So you must be my 
pop, right?"
	Everyone facefaulted.
	"Of course he's your father!" Ritsuko shouted at the boy.  
"Don't you recognize your own father?"
	"Well, it's been a while, you know?"
	'Damn,' thought Gendo, 'I wanted to say that.'
	Then he turned to Ritsuko and said, "Get Unit-01 ready, 
we're moving out."
	"Moving out?" The doctor replied.  "How can we do that if 
we don't have a pilot?  No, you can't mean . . .?"
	When everyone turned to glance at Ataru, he guessed what 
this was all about.
	"All right, I'll nobly risk my life in order to save all of 
mankind, but under one condition," Ataru said solemnly.
	"And what is that?" Commander Ikari asked.
	"That I get a date with Misato-chan!"
	"No, absolutely not!" Misato said immediately.  "There is 
no way in hell I'd go out with that �"
	"Ms. Katsuragi, need I remind you that Ataru is our only 
functional pilot at present?  And the fate of all mankind hangs in 
the balance?" Ristuko told her.
	'Hmm,' thought Misato, 'there's still Rei.  She's hurt badly, 
but she might be able to pilot a little.'  Eventually though, she 
decided that a date with Ataru wouldn't be as bad as sending a girl 
to certain death, though it was a close call.
	"All right," Misato finally agreed.  "One date and that's it!"
	Ataru practically leapt into the entry plug.
	"Damn," he thought, "if they agreed to that so easily, I 
should have asked for a date with Ritsu-chan and Maya-chan too.  
Oh well, next time."
	Most of the Nerv staff wondered if Ataru realized that he 
had thought that aloud.  Ritsuko, Misato, and Maya all shivered in 
disgust.

	The Nerv staff watched as the Angel beat the stuffing out of 
Unit-01.  Misato suddenly thought of a way to encourage him and 
get back at Ritsuko for forcing her to agree to that date.
	"Ataru!" she shouted into the mike, "If you defeat this 
Angel, I'll give you one of Ritsuko's panties!"
	"What??" shouted the currently outraged and embarrassed 
scientist.  Maya suddenly wondered how Misato had gotten ahold 
of Ritsuko's panties.
	One minute Ataru was feeling worse than he ever had after 
Lum's 'shock treatments', the next he was chuckling madly. 	"A 
date with Misato-chan and one of Ritsu-chan's panties?  I will 
defeat this thing!"
	For some reason, the EVA translated Ataru's thoughts as a 
roar, then proceed to get up and beat the Angel three times as badly 
as it had just been beaten.
	"A beserker?" Ritsuko asked no one in particular as she 
stared at the screen.
	"No," Maya responded, "the pilot is still in control!"
	"Amazing!"
	"Guess a pair of your panties was all the encouragement 
Ataru needed, ne Ritsu-chan?"  Misato teased.
	"Let's not forget your little date with him."
	"I wish I could forget about it."

	"Hiya pops!" Ataru said cheerily as he walked into 
Commander Ikari's office.  "This sure is a gloomy place you've got 
here."
	"What is it that you want, Ataru?  Shouldn't you be settling 
into your apartment now?"
	Ataru was suddenly serious.  "Well, It's about that.  I figure 
that instead of living alone, I could move in with Misato-ch. . . I 
mean Ms. Katsuragi.  For a young boy like me needs someone to 
watch over him.  What if I slip in the furo?  Or choke on my 
dinner?  As I am the only EVA pilot at present, an accident like 
that could mean the end of all mankind."
	Commander Ikari thought it over for a few minutes.  "Very 
well, I'll order it immediately."
	"Yippee! I'm gonna live with Misato-chan!"
	Ikari's gloved hands hid a slight smile.

	Misato very calmly put down the phone, took a deep breath, 
and yelled, "F***!!!!!!!"
	A stranger passing by her apartment suddenly stopped and 
said, "That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard."

Interlude: Lum

	From up in the sky, Lum saw a bright flash.  Upon reaching 
the source, she found herself in an alley.  She was sure it had been 
her darling, but there was no one there.  But then on the ground she 
found something familiar.  It was her darling's bookbag!  But 
where had he gone?  It was like he just vanished.  She failed to 
notice that the name on the bag now read 'Shinji.'
	"I see that he's left already," said an old man who has just 
entered the alley.
	Lum was normally a sweet and loving person, who lived in 
a world of smiles and laughter.  She might contain a slight sadistic 
streak the way she can shock a person while smiling, but it's 
usually just an accident or Ataru, who no one really cares about 
anyway.  She does have a bad side however, wait that should be a 
BAD SIDE.  Getting her angry is about as dangerous as, say, 
making racial slurs while walking through the worst part of 
Harlem, in the dark, on Martin Luther King Day.  This old man had 
the misfortune of bringing it out.
	"What do you know about this?" Lum shouted at him, 
showing her fangs as electricity arched all around her.  "What have 
you done with my darling?"
	This particular old man was used to people getting angry at 
him, especially women, and so wasn't so easily cowed.  "You 
should be thanking me that I got that boy out of your life.  In fact, 
how about rewarding me by letting me rest in your bosom!"
	Happosai (who were you expecting, Yosho?) made a 
powerdive for Lum's rather flimsy tiger-striped bikini, all the while 
thinking what a gem that would be for his collection.  His path was 
stopped, by about a 1,000,000,000 volts of electricity.  Blackened 
old Happi ended up on the ground, doing a fair imitation of 
someone having an epileptic seizure.
	"Now you will tell me what you've done with my darling 
Ataru!"  Lum shouted in his face.  But Happi didn't become the 
martial artist, or lecher, he was by giving in so easily.
	"Ha ha, he's gone far away.  In fact, his replacement should 
already be at his house by now."  Underneath the bravado though, 
Happosai was a little worried.  Lum should have forgotten all about 
Ataru the moment he jumped into a new world, her memories 
altered to fit whoever had taken Ataru's place. And then taken off 
to her home world.  Happi had arranged all this so he could live in 
a world of non-violent babes and no competition.
	Lum was having small problems with her memory, but the 
sheer weirdness of her life was protecting her.  There were 
thoughts in her head, trying to tell her that she should be home with 
her parents rather than on Earth, and it was boy named Shinji that 
she had played tag with, not Ataru.  That she was still engaged to 
Rei and never to anyone else.  Lum pushed, shoved, and threatened 
those thoughts until they went to hide in a dark corner of her mind.  
No one was going to keep Lum from her darling, not even herself.
	However, the old man was proving even harder to convince 
than her beloved.  She had a thought; it was the last person in the 
world that she wanted to see, but there was no other choice.  Lum 
picked up the still-crispy pervert and brought him to the most 
frightening person that she could think of.

	Cherry was sitting in his tent, stirring his soup, and bored 
out of his mind.  He had high hopes with an alien invasion there 
would be some call for a Buddhist monk such as himself.  He 
wished to find the mark of doom upon the face of the boy chosen 
to defend Earth, but this Shinji looked like someone who had just 
been saved rather than damned.
	A glance at his soup and he was frozen in shock.  No he 
had not imagined it.  Though it had only been there for a moment, 
he clearly read the mark of doom floating in his soup.  Something 
was about to happen and soon.
	As such, he was a little prepared when a green-haired girl, 
wearing nothing but a tiger-striped bikini, floated in his tent, 
carrying what looked to be a burned old sack.  Cherry recognized 
her as the oni who had lost the game of tag, though at the moment 
her name eluded him.
	'What was she doing back here?  Why did she come to me?'  
These things he wondered,  but there was a fleeting thought that he 
should know her much better than he did.  It was connected to a 
boy with the mark of doom clearly on his face, but yet could not 
remember his name.  This he took as a sign that business was 
picking up.  He smiled broadly in welcome.

	Lum shivered in disgust at Cherry's smile.  She almost 
turned around there, but the monk was the only person she could 
think of that might be able to convince the old man and Lum would 
do anything to get her darling back.
	"This man took my darling and her won't tell me where he 
is!"  Lum shouted, tempted to sob a little for sympathy.  Not that 
she wasn't feeling sad, but it was hard to get too worked up about it 
when Ataru was routinely involved in things like this, which he 
often brought on himself.
	"Oh, who are you and who is this darling that you 
mentioned?"
	Lum looked over Cherry puzzled.  The old monk had been 
harassing them for months.  They had only wished that he had 
forgotten them.
	Happi, beginning to recover from the repeated shocks that 
Lum had given him, laughed weakly.  "You see?  Your 'darling' no 
longer exists on this world.  Everyone else has already forgotten 
him, even his own parents.  Soon your memory of him will fade."
	"No!!" Lum shouted and gave the ancient hentai a double 
dose of shock treatment.  Cherry, who had been inching closer to 
the two, suddenly decided to watch all this from the other side of 
his tent.
	Lum rectified this by flying right over to him.  "I'm Lum, 
oni princess who came to take over Earth, but my darling defeated 
me and proposed to me.  You were there!  You said my darling had 
the mark of doom!  Cherry, you have to remember!  You have to 
remember my darling Ataru!"
	Cherry's first thought was to immediately deny ever even 
hearing that name, but then that stray thought came up again, a boy 
with the mark of doom so clear that he'd seen it from yards away.  
Ataru?  Was that the name of this boy he could only barely recall?  
Now that boy had to be cursed to stir up trouble wherever he went 
and would keep a monk like him busy for a long time to come.
	"Of course I remember!" Cherry shouted with far 
confidence than he felt.  "The holy power of Buddha had protected 
me from the evil spell!"
	Lum was tempted to embrace the monk, then remembered 
who it was and decided against it.  "This man took my darling 
away and he won't tell me where he is!  You have to get him to tell 
me!"
	Cherry looked over the man.  He was a tough one, no doubt 
about it, but Cherry was both very determined and very bored 
monk.  "Lum-san, could you please wait outside?"
	"Why?"
	"In order to get this dark sorcerer to reverse his evil spell, I 
will have to reveal the ultimate power in which Buddha has 
endowed me with.  You could only witness it at your own peril."
	Lum nodded and left.  Cherry scared her enough as it was, 
she did not want to see his ultimate power, whatever it was.
	Happi turned to face his future tormentor.  "Ha ha, I've 
faced the toughest there is!  I won't break easily!"
	In response, Cherry only smiled and began.

	Lum tried to listen in from the outside, as she paced outside 
the tent, throwing out the random lightning bolt to relieve tension.  
All she could hear was Cherry mumbling.  It was too soft to make 
out the words, but it sounded like a chant.
	It was only a few minutes later, when she heard the old man 
shout, "All right I'll tell you, I'll tell you everything!  Just please 
stop, for the love of God!"
	Before Lum could step back into the tent, Cherry came out, 
smiling and carrying a glossy book that looked like one of her 
darling's artbooks.
	"It's really quite simple what happened," Cherry explained, 
"The man tricked Ataru into traveling to another dimension.  All 
we have to do is go to that dimension and retrieve him."
	"How do we do that?"
	"With this book.  All you have to do is find the dimension 
you want and point at the page while saying 'I choose you' and 
whatever the name of the dimension is."
	"But how do we know which one?" Lum asked after 
swiping the book from Cherry and flipping through it.  "There are 
dozens of dimensions here!"
	"Ah, that's easy," Cherry replied, swiping the book back.  
"When Ataru jumped into another dimension, the entry in this book 
was changed to correspond with it.  All we have to do is find his 
name and then . . ."
	Lum interrupted by swiping the Guide yet again.  She 
quickly flipped through, searching for the kanji of her darling's 
name.  Cherry tried to swipe it back again, ending with them both 
trying to flip through at the same time.  They eventually stumbled 
upon the entry they wanted.
	They both pointed and said, "I chose you, Neon Genesis 
Evangelion!"

	By the time Happosai left the tent, he was alone, both angry 
and sad for his plans to be ruined once again.
	'Wait a minute, Ataru is still gone.  Lum, while truly 
desirable, was way too violent, even worse than Ranma-chan or 
Akane.  This was exactly what I wanted!'
	With a mad cackle and an empty bag thrown over his 
shoulder, the now biggest pervert in Tomobiki went off to collect 
his booty.
	It was a pity that he hadn't read the entry in the Guide for 
Urusei Yatsura more closely, particularly references to violent 
Shinto priestesses and millionaires with whole armies at their beck 
and call, not to mention desk-throwing school girls.