Second Thoughts
by Varon
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Kazuma-kun has always been nice to me.

Actually, he was more than nice; he was sweet, caring, protective. His friends say he's really "goofy" and that Kazuma's always doing silly things, but I don't care; he's truly affectionate and attentive.

And he would say these... these words that I didn't fully understand at first, but then it didn't matter; the outcome was always the same. His face would turn red as my brother's eyes -- redder than my own -- and I assumed Kazuma was saying really funny things, so I'd just laugh along with the others.

Eventually, thanks to Keiko-chan, I learned that the four-letter word he's been saying to me so often is an emotion that one feels when he cares very deeply for someone. So deep, Keiko had said, that he'll risk his life for that someone. Only then did I understand Kazu's feelings for me.

It didn't take long for me to develop the same affection for him. Or to realize that it was what I felt for him all along.

Filled with satisfaction at my relatively new finding, I asked Keiko-chan why he's always flustered when he tells me that. She had laughed, and said that men are embarrassed upon saying such personal things, face to face, to the women they love. That had me puzzled somewhat; if the feeligns are true, why did they have to be the least bit abashed about letting the other person know? Keiko just shrugged, and had two words for me: MALE EGO. I nodded, though not completely comprehending.

I think it would take a lot more effort on my part, a Koorime, to grasp the entirety of being a Ningen.

When I decided to let Kazuma know exactly what I felt for him, I wasn't blushing or stammering at all; I held on to my belief, that which I asked Keiko about. The words came out smoothly and clearly, and Kazuma was speechless for some time, just staring at me with his mouth hanging open. When five more minutes passed and he still hadn't said anything, sitting there just gaping at me, I regretted what I said for the fraction of a nanosecond, fearing that maybe I said the wrong thing or that the timing wasn't right. But then his face broke into a wide grin, and I thought then and there he would jump out and eject himself out of the house through the roof, or maybe start yelling or something... but he just grabbed me in a tight hug, and kept thenking me in a voice thst was hoarse, but unmistakably grateful. If I hadn't known better he was choking back tears, and that had gotten me even more confused. When I innocently asked him if he were about to cry, he just held my hands and said that he had "never been happier" in his whole life. I breathed an internal sigh of relief{, knowing with full certainty that I had done the right thing.}

Our friends learned of it eventually; Kazu has never been shy about letting the world know of his latest achievements. I didn't mind; in fact it was kind of amusing watching Yusuke-san tease Kazuma mercilessly. Kurama-san butted in occasionally, and Botan had a congratulatory wink for me -- at least, that's how I interpreted it. Keiko-chan was smiling widely, while Shizuru-neesan just puffed on her cigarette, keeping her distance, as usual. Probably because she knew ahead of the rest of them; Kazuma and I DO live with her, after all.

And then, there was...

Hiei-niisan.

My twin, older than me by a few minutes. My only brother, whom I have searched high and low for, crossing barriers -- and worlds -- to Ningenkai, where I had at last found him. And the same brother who, for some reason I can't really fathom, despises sweet, caring Kazuma.

I don't hold it against Hiei, though; why would I, when, after all these years, I'm finally reunited with the brother I thought I lost? I'm not ruining our relationship with petty grudges. I'm actually thankful Hiei could hold off his obvious desire to... finish off Kazuma when I'm around -- well, at least, Kurama-san told me that was the case. I respect my twin's feelings, and I'm not one to suppress them unless, of course, him murdering Kazuma was involved.

But it's just that... Hiei somehow makes things harder for me. To disapprove of the man I chose to love. I could see it in his eyes -- maybe anyone could see it, but most likely I could, because I'm his twin -- the hidden accusation (why it had to be Kazuma, of all people?), and the plain hatred for Kazuma. In those ruby eyes, the question was a ceaseless cycle: "Why him?"

But of course he doesn't say anything. He just stays quiet, stoic, but not exactly okay with how things are, yet he chooses to keep his silnce because he loves his sister too much to destroy my happiness by dictating my own feelings for me.

I am happy that Kazuma is the man I wanted to love. And I am grateful that Hiei is my brother, despite his reputation of being a cold-blooded murderer. I love them both -- yes, I believe that is what I feel -- so, so much...

However, sometimes second thoughts do enter one's mind, you know? Thoughts that are only fleeting, yet if you allow them to linger long enough, you might start to believe them...

Hiei may be my twin who respects my wishes, and I may be a woman who knows better (or maybe, who doesn't know better) than to let others influence her, but --

My brother's eyes hainte me, at times. They strike me so hard they almost pierce my heart; at the same time they are the keys that open the gates of my brain, letting in the undesirable thoughts I didn't want to entertain.

I guess my twin has influenced me more than I thought.

And at those times, when the "undesirable thoughts" invade my brain faster than Yakumo could take over the world, I became the helpless, hapless victim to this raid of ideas.

And then I start wondering what Hiei-niisan would think if I fell in love with another man.

If I had gotten to know this other man a little more... would my brother approve? Would life really be better for me -- if ever?

I remember those sparkling, bright eyes meeting my gaze that day at the nearby flower shop. Holding a long green hose on one hand, he was watering those pretty yellow blooms, with a hint of pink around the edges, when I came in the store. Three other florists were there, who looked much older, attending to other customers, ALL of whom were girls. I noticed they were trying too hard to get the attention of the redhead, who had an uncaring look on his face, while the other two were basking in the limelight. I recall the boy's light-brown hair, cut in a longish, stylish bob that was almost feminine, swaying slightly about his features as he looked over his shoulder at me. I could have sworn I felt an instant connection with him, something I never experienced before; my heart thumped like crazy against my chest, and for the minutes when our gazes locked I couldn't move a single muscle. Then he smiled, so genuinely, so charmingly, that I could have melted on the spot, like an ice cube placed under the scorching heat of the sun.

"How may I help you?" the boy asked me in that soft, melodic voice -- quite a contrast to Kazuma's boisterous exclamations.

I gave myself a mental shake. No, I shouldn't... It's Kazu I love... right? I felt the teeniest bit guilty about comapring Kazuma to this boy, whom I have never even met! It wasn't fair, ne?

What I did was to approach the kind-looking florist, fighting back thoughts of infidelity to my good Kazuma. "Ohayou," I said, surprising myself when I didn't stutter. "I'd like to buy a bouquet of pansies and delivered on the sixteenth to this address."

I handed him a slip of paper, and he turned off the hose to take it from me, after wiping his hands on the front of his apron. Our fingers brushed, and I almost jerked back. Electrons flowed from that sudden touch. I looked at him, wondering if he felt it too, but he just studied the paper with such interest. I had blushed fiercely, embarassed at having to consider such notions.

And maybe I was a little mad at myself, too, for allowing myself to sink in such delusions.

"OK, no problem," he said cheerfully, pocketing the piece of torn notebook paper. "May I interest you in other varieties of flowers? We have this orchid arrangement we're selling at a very reasonable price, and marigolds mixed with amarillos also make a great combination. They would make such lovely gifts."

I had to smile at his sales pitch, but politely shook my head. "Thank you, but pansies would be fine. They're the recipient's favorites."

"I understand." He smiled warmly at me. I wasn't thrown off-balance anymore, but still my heart skipped beat. Hesitantly I returned his smile.

"Where should we put the flowers? In a basket, or in a flower pot..."

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that." My gaze turned to the counter in the front of the shop, where several arrangements, also for delivery, were lined up. "Maybe you could just place them in a basket, tied with a purple ribbon, like that one," I said, pointing to the third sample from the right.

He nodded. "Good choice." He made his way to counter, and I followed suit. Looking around for something and not finding it, the boy called out to one of the other men in the shop, "Yo, Yoji! Where's the list?" Promptly after his last word, a blue-and-white clipboard was sent flying through the air, and the boy caught it easily with one hand. Making a quick note on it, he last asked me, "What should we put on the card?"

"To Kuwabara Shizuru," I dictated, as he wrote it down. "Happy birthday, from..."

I faltered. I gulped. And I didn't know then why it had been so hard to say what I ought to. The boy looked up quizzically, urging me to continue. Again I looked deep into those blue orbs, and I almost fell. Both for him and onto the floor.

"From Kazuma and Yukina," I finished.

"That's a pretty name," he casually remarked. My heart almost stopped.

He glanced back up at me, beaming his easy smile again, then told me how much the bunch cost. I dug in my purse for the right amount.

"Thank you," the boy said, filling out a receipt and giving it to me. "The flowers will be delivered next week on the sixteenth, by nine a.m. sharp."

I bowed politely. "Arigatou."

"Come back again, Yukina-san."

I didn't know whether to be amused or be perplexed. Here was a complete stranger, calling me by my name without me knowing his, AND in the same way that Kazu does! I managed a weak grin instead.

"Hai," I replied. Tearing my gaze from his magnetic eyes, I shuffled out the same door by which I entered. Before I completely let myself out, though, I heard one of the other florists yell out, "Hey, Omi! Get your butt over here and help us carry these new shipments!"

"Coming!" the boy called back. Then I heard the door close behind me.

Omi. So at least I learned his name. I tried saying it aloud several times, and it rolled off my tongue easily. I liked the feel of it, and pushing away the minute call of my conscience I skipped happily back to the Kuwabaras'.

But no sooner had I entered the house, saying "Tadaima!", Kazuma had rushed out of the living room to meet me and threw his arms around me. He apologized for leaving me alone to buy the flowers, because Koenma had asked for them and he just had to go. But he promised that would never happen again, but just to make up for it he dragged me out of the house and treated me to lunch.

Kazuma's kindness, his attention, moved me, as it always had all these years. Then and there, I knew... I knew that I SHOULD dismiss my encounter with the flower shop boy. Then and there, I convinced myself (or at least TRIED to) that Omi, no matter how nice and attractive he seemed, was just someone whom I crossed paths with, yet the meeting was so momentary that it was enough for me to learn that he wouldn't fit in my life anymore.

Maybe Omi just came too late...

Or maybe not.

Three weeks later as I made my way down the kitchen for breakfast, a pretty bundle of unfamiliar blooms sat at the center of the dining table. Kazuma was frowning, though it dissolved a little as he greeted me. "Ohayou, Yukina-san!"

"Ohayou," I replied, smiling. "Wow, they're so beautiful," I said and motioned to the flowers.

The unhappy frown returned. "Good thing you appreciate them," Kazuma grumbled.

My forehead creased in concern. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Found them on the front steps this morning." He slid a cream-colored card over the tabletop to me. "They're for you."

My eyes widened. "What?" I stared at the card, then at the flowers, and back to the card again, before picking it up and scanning it.

"So you've got a secret admirer," Kazuma continued to mutter under his breath. "He should be easy enough to find, and he should be equally easy enough to take care of."

I pretended not to hear him as I read the short message inside. To Yukina-san, it was printed in computer-generated fonts, Freesia are flowers conveying innocence. Yours will always remind me of them. It was unsigned, but I knew very well from whom they were.

And until now I still couldn't believe Omi had sent them. It brought a rush of pleasant sensation down my spine, as I contemplated on the gift's implications.

It's amazing how a simple bunch of flowers can tap into what I thought were banished memories at the far corner of my mind. The Freesia blooms came freshly picked, the petals so colorfully vibrant, each flower seemingly selected with much thought, not just chosen in random. They also came as a refresher course for me, bringing out whatever recollection I had of that special day, three weeks ago. And forgetting that Kuwabara Kazuma was sitting across the table from me, I smiled almost dreamily.

The flowers made me see just how different things were. The attraction I had for Omi, which just hit me like a torpedo cruising at several hundred kilometers per hour, was miles apart from the feelings I developed, over the course of several years, for Kazuma.

Kazuma angrily pushed back his chair as he abruptly stood up. Wide-eyed, I stared at him, my attention now captured. "I'LL GET HIM!" Kazuma screamed, waving a furious fist in the air.

"Kazuma-kun, onegai, calm down," I told him, reacting quickly. Amazingly enough, he did simmer down a bit. "He could be anyone, and trying to find him would just be a waste of time."

Again I fingered the delicate petals, studying them, noting they were soft as Omi's skin. But I knew that the corolla were only reminiscent of infatuation that would never germinate into love.

The love I have with Kazuma.

Even so, I'm sending a silent "thank-you" to the sender, not only because of the thought of the flowers, but also for giving me the chance to FEEL on my own. I thank him for showing me how great it was not to be influenced by other people's feelings, as Kazuma had. And I thank him, most of all, for being the person I experienced these with, even as he held a garden hose with one hand and looked every bit as grungy as any flower shop vendor.

I ssighed, then turned pleading eyes on the man opposite me. "Please, it's not worth it."

I am glad these second thoughts are just as they are -- second thoughts. They provide some sort of counter-arguments, and they may even lure you to indulge in such sweet possibilty, but are not enough to alter the entire life you lead.

Kazuma stared at me, then bowed his head and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, Yukina-san, I overreacted."

I smiled. "It's alright."

After all, with Kazuma is where I belong.

And even for Hiei-niisan, I wouldn't change that single fact. My brother is just going to have to live with that.

 

 

~ owari ~

 

Note: Freesia is Omi's image flower. ^_~