Wufei 1/2
A Gundam Wing / Ranma 1/2 crossover
Part Four
By Raye Johnsen

    "Kidou Senki Gundam Wing" is copyright Bandai, Sunrise, Viz Communications, Mixx Entertainment and other associated parties. "Ranma 1/2" is copyright Takahashi Rumiko, Shogakukan and Viz Communications. In other words, they're not mine.
    [holds composure]
    [holds composure]
    [loses composure]
    IT ISN'T FAAAAIIIIIRRRR!!!!!

    Please remember: this is an Alternate Universe, so the events with which you are familiar may or may not occur; and secondly, this fic's only reason for existing is to make you smile. If it succeeds, cool. If it doesn't, well, I'm sorry. Either way, do not take it seriously.

Part the Fourth: It Was My Evil Twin, Honest

I swear the universe hates me. First I think my over-formal roomie is a girl, and then I find out that the hot babe is in fact a guy who can gender-switch. (So I think Asian girls are cute, so sue me.) Oh, and did I mention that we came this close to getting our arses fried?

So we blithely screwed up our mission. We were meant to destroy the supplies Manchuria Base was planning to send to Siberia Base. Which we did, no problem. Everything went pear-shaped when we also managed to let the brass on base know we were there. So rather than send a whole pile of sabotaged ordnance up to cause mayhem, chaos and disorder further down the line, they just delayed the shipment while they fixed and remanufactured the original cargo.

I hate it when people prevent my raison d'etre.

That, however, was not what bugged 'Fei. He was more worried over the discs the security cameras had recorded of us. Specifically, of my rescue of her, when he had been a girl and trapped by a bunch of OZ goons.

I know my pronouns are out-of-whack. Deal. I don't know what to call 'Fei either (except definitely not 'Wu-babe', if I don't want a black eye). When he's a she, I call him a her, and when she's a guy, I call her a him. If you can't keep them straight, join the club.

Anyway, 'Fei was paranoid about the discs. He was quite sure that images of our faces would be spliced out of the computer memories and our descriptions circulated. So, twelve hours after our escape from the OZ base, he sat down to hack the base files.

The first I heard of the new problem was the strangled shriek of commingled rage and embarrassment 'Fei emitted when his shock made him spill his waterglass all over himself. I came rushing in to the room, to see the end of the video file up on the 'Net, and one heck of an eyeful. 'Fei has a fondness for white, a very fine figure when female, and, when she starts out a he, an understandable lack of bras. It took me a moment or two to regain my composure.

We rewatched the file (on a public server, I was unhappy to see) from the beginning to the end. It started when the latter-day Goon Squad trapped 'Fei in the dead-end, and finished just after I made my declaration. God, but that was embarrassing.

We looked at each other.

"Maybe they haven't seen it," I suggested hopefully.

Her expression stated exactly what she thought of that.

This was when my laptop started beeping, telling me that I had email. (Yes, I have a laptop. It's easier to contact G and Howard with it. Just because Hiiro's addicted to Evercrack V and Final Fantasy XXX doesn't mean he's the only guy who knows how to surf a keyboard. And I 0wnZ his arse at Devil May Scream, anyway.)

It was from G, of course. He'd seen it. From a different source, unfortunately. He cautioned me on the dangers of fraternizing with a person who had concealed vital information ("My gender is 'vital information'?" 'Fei muttered) and thus whose loyalty could not be assured ('Fei's face, when I read that bit out to her, was indescribable, but I memorized her expression and made a mental note to reproduce it at the first opportunity) and went on to make some fairly graphic suggestions on how to 'alleviate the pressures of lack of appropriate female company'.

I didn't repeat those to 'Fei. I only look like an airhead, thank you.

While mentally congratulating myself on my diplomacy, another email came in. This one was from Jase, one of Howard's mechanics, demanding to know who the babe was.

This was when 'Fei's laptop started playing some music at her. I decided that I'd have to configure my own laptop to play music at me when I got email. Pick the right tune and it should be good for hours of Hiiro- and Quatre-annoyance....

A brat? Moi? Surely you jest.

'Fei opened her mail and went white. For the record, that does not look good on Asian people. Their skin goes this manky colour that hospital paint suppliers have been attempting to replicate for years. She looked up from the screen after a minute or two. "Laoshi O requests an explanation." She looked as if she'd rather be executed by the OZ goons, given the choice.

I appreciated the dilemma. How do you explain magic to a scientist? "Is he going to have a 'get back here and let me poke you with needles' reaction?"

'Fei shrugged, and said quietly, "Among my people... there are things that certain people do, and others do not, and it is not right that those who do not do the tasks should be forced to do them - if that makes sense to you?"

This seemed important, so I tried to fit it into my head. "You mean - everybody's got a job, but the job isn't the same for everybody, and someone who does job A isn't supposed to do job B, right?"

"More or less," 'Fei agreed, "but it's a bit more than 'isn't supposed to'. It isn't right that they should, and it upsets the balance of their self and of the world."

I blinked at that. "That's a bit harsh. What if they want to do it?"

"If they want to do the task, then they should think about why," 'Fei shrugged. "If it is a true desire, then of course it is not against one's nature, but if one is doing it because one wishes to be defiant, one is curious, or one simply wishes to prove oneself capable of the task, then one should not do it. Transient desire is no reason to harm one's soul. It will pick up enough wounds without actively inflicting them upon oneself."

"And this affects Master O's transmission to you... how?" I asked.

She gave me a 'duh' look. "Women do not fight, because it is not their task. When they have to, it is because the men who should be fighting on their behalf have failed them. Laoshi O... if I am a woman... then I should not be fighting. And it is not I who have failed - it is Laoshi O, and the elders... and that is a great blow to their honour. And I the cause...." She glanced down and away from the computer screen.

"Hey, hey, hey," I said, alarmed. "Aren't you the one who told me you were a guy, no matter what you looked like? Aren't you overreactin'? Just tell him that - that you were in disguise in case you got spotted!" It wasn't technically a lie - we had been disguised as a pair of OZ recruits to sneak onto the base, and we had still been wearing the stolen uniforms during that incident. "It's the truth, after all. We just don't tell him what the disguise was."

She looked at me dubiously. "You honestly think that will work, Duo?"

"Worth a try," I replied. "Just, you better take a hot shower before you make that call."

The dirty look she gave me as she got up and headed to the bathroom was one of her best.

We arrived at the Winner estate in southeastern Australia the afternoon of the next day. Maguanacs make pretty good flight controllers.

'Fei won the hundred-metre nonchalant walk as we entered the house. He was determined to face the issue by not facing it.

We're terrorists. Logic isn't one of our strong points.

Personally, I was waiting for a big explosion, and I wasn't disappointed. But it wasn't Quatre who delivered.

"What the hell do you think you're DOING?!?" 'Fei screamed as Trowa efficiently bodysearched him, approximately one metre inside the door.

"How the hell did you do it? Have you bound them flat? And that codpiece--"

"BARTON, REMOVE YOUR HAND FROM THERE THIS INSTANT!!"

He didn't, and 'Fei slugged him good and hard, right in the nose. Trowa lay flat on his back, twin streams of blood pouring from his nostrils, watching the pretty birdies (or whatever).

"I think you broke his nose," I commented, stepping over the body as I headed for the kitchen.

"I hope I did," 'Fei retorted grimly. "He groped me!"

I did not comment on 'Fei's gropability, or make any crass remarks about certain blonde Chinese doctors and their probable reaction to the prospect of groping 'Fei, hard as it was to restrain myself. If 'Fei had been any angrier, I think smoke would have been pouring out his ears. He stomped into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of tea.

It would probably have been better if he'd checked to see if the teamaker was on first.

As 'Fei spluttered incoherently through the cold liquid, Hiiro looked at us over the lid of his laptop. "We don't have any missions for the next ten days," he said, in a flat tone of voice, and then went back to whatever he was doing on that computer. Probably modding an avatar for Evercrack, or hacking the latest demo.

"That's it?" Wufei asked.

Hiiro cocked an eyebrow at him. "Tape an extra magazine to the small of your back next time," he suggested. "Or start carrying daggers." And then he went back to the computer again.

I don't know whether 'Fei looked more startled or appreciative. "Uh... thanks," he said.

"No problem," Hiiro said without looking up.

Then Quatre bustled in. The first thing he did was slap me across the face.

"The hell?!" I said.

"That's for not being a gentleman and taking the couch in the last safehouse," Quatre explained. Then he hugged me. "And this's for saving WuFei."

"Uh... no problem," I squeaked. He was squeezing rather hard.

"Sorry! Forget my own strength sometimes," Quatre replied cheerfully. He seized 'Fei's arm and began pulling him out of the room. "Anyway, come with me, WuFei! I've arranged a nice room for you - with your own bathroom. You know, you could have told us...."

I stared after them. "You know," I commented to the air, "if I didn't know better, I'd say Quatre pulled 'Fei off for some girl talk."

"Maybe he - or she - did," Hiiro replied.

"But 'Fei's not a girl," I said, without thinking.

Hiiro snorted. "If the two of you were using a disguise, you'd have put something on her bigger than a B-cup," he said, without looking up.

I had to concede the point.

So the other Gundam pilots thought 'Fei was a girl, Master O thought we were getting really good at disguises and I was under orders (which I planned to ignore, of course) not to associate with 'Fei anymore. We'd weathered the storm, right?

Wrong.

We hadn't realized yet... but now, we had fans.

Author's Notes:

    1. Wufei's explanation of the rigidity of the social roles in L5 is a somewhat-potted version of the philosophy behind the rigidity of the social roles of mediaeval China.
    The basic philosophy is that you should follow your heart to the role that is most suited for you, and that if you force yourself to tasks and roles you are not suited to, you will do great harm to the essence of your spiritual self.
    As so often seems to be the case with religious philosophy, when this philosophy got into the hands of the conservative majority, it was interpreted much less liberally. Very soon, the Chinese were taught that to go outside your gender role, as set by the conservatives, was to go against your natural self, and the results described above would follow.
    I wish to emphasise that while I, Raye, share the philosophy, I most certainly do not share the mediaeval interpretation.
    Also, if anyone picked up just how hypocritical Wufei following this philosophy is, bonus marks!

    2. Fanon has Duo nicknaming everyone in sight, but in the series, he sticks to the name everyone introduces themselves with. I'm going with a middle approach - he nicknames people he knows well... and he just doesn't know the others well enough yet.